Disclaimer: Don't read if the topic of breastfeeding makes you squeamish!
So, I recently learned some new facts about Our Lady of La Leche. It was all thanks to my generous cousin, Mary, who prayed for me and brought me this candle from the shrine in St Augustine, Florida, which, incidentally, was the first shrine dedicated to Our Lady in the United States. It really means so much to me (thank you so much, Mary!). I had so many the difficulties breastfeeding Kateri, and in the end, I really think it was a miracle that we actually were able to figure it out. A miracle, in part, through the intercession of Our Lady of La Leche.
But, first things first, the NEW thing I learned about her is she is actually the Patron of a Happy Delivery! Somehow I had completely missed this memo, and thought she was only patron of breastfeeding (as if that could even be considered an "only". It's a big enough thing to be Patron of by itself! But as we all know, Our Lady is full of generosity and constantly overflows with graces and gifts if we only ask for them). So we will be lighting this candle often (ideally daily with a Rosary!) and praying for a smooth and happy delivery for everyone we know who is expecting (Let me know if you know anyone who we can add to our list).
The second thing I learned about her is she is actually also patron of those experiencing infertility, whether secondary or primary. Here is a beautiful short prayer with the intention of conceiving a little one (s):
Lovely lady of La Leche, most loving mother the Child Jesus, and my Mother, listen to my humble prayer. Your motherly heart knows my every wish, my every need. To you only, His spotless Virgin Mother, has your Divine Son given to understand the sentiments which fill my soul. Yours was the sacred privilege of being the Mother of the Saviour. Intercede with Him now, my loving Mother, that, in accordance with His will, I may become the mother of children of our heavenly Father. This I ask, O Lady of La Leche, in the Name of your Divine Son, My Lord and Redeemer. Amen.
We will also be praying for all those we know who are experiencing this great cross right now.
So. About my experience with Kateri. I want to preface this with the fact that as an RN, I have studied breastfeeding, have attended multiple seminars on the topic, and have even taught it to many new mothers. I am a huge advocate of breastfeeding and planned to do it from the beginning. In order to make sure that I was up-to-date and familiar with
all techniques, practices and advice, I even signed took a one-on-one class with a lactation consultant right before Kateri was born. I thought I was completely set and was confident that though there would inevitably be challenges, I would be able to overcome them.
Ha! Little did I know!
After Kateri came, we did everything we were "supposed" to do, took advantage of the "Golden Hour" right after delivery to kick start the whole breastfeeding relationship, went to every "Nursing Class" offered during our stay. Everything seemed to be going well, and the common initial struggles of pain/bleeding/blisters were present but nothing out of the ordinary. Her latch seemed decent per every lactation consultant, and there was no sign of tongue tie.
But the day of our departure, everything went south. The pain was excruciating and Kateri wasn't interested in eating, her latch was completely wrong. We spent about five hours that day one on one with multiple lactation consultants trying to figure out what was going on. They weren't sure, I wasn't sure, and we ended up being discharged with a pump and quite a lot of options and advice.
I will never ever forget that drive home. I rode in the back next to the baby, and I remember the tears would not stop pouring down my face. I felt so discouraged by all the difficulties with breastfeeding. I felt tired, and exhausted and sore. I felt overwhelmed at trying to figure everything out. Luckily, Pat really held everything together and we arrived home in one piece with a precious little one in tow.
The next two weeks were rough. We continually tried to switch back to breastfeeding to no avail. I had to pump for twenty minutes every three hours, and then finger-feed Kateri with a special syringe to prevent any 'nipple' confusion. Thankfully, Pat was able to be home during these weeks so it was manageable. Prepping the pump, cleaning everything, storing the milk all took quite a lot of time.
After two weeks, Pat went back to work and things got much harder because I was completely solo. No longer could I pump while he fed Kateri. To desperately need to pump while having a crying inconsolable little one is no walk in the park. Also, the pain was not decreasing, if anything it was increasing.
The hardest thing for me during this time was people who would offer me well-meant advice. I
knew it was given with good intentions, but it did absolutely nothing for me but increase my stress and anxiety and add to the pressure I was already putting on myself. Mama's (and anyone else)
PLEASE for the love of all that is good, bite your tongue and refrain from guilt tripping or saying things like,
"It was so painful for me, I was literally bleeding, but I wouldn't consider doing anything other than breastfeed and it worked out. You should keep trying. You just have to be determined."
or
"I nursed through a terrible breast infection, it was excruciating, but it is much better for the baby. You just have to get through it."
or
"Don't give bottles! Those are terrible for their teeth! Breastfed babies have much better teeth."
or
"Breastmilk offers the best immunity, so I would breastfeed my child at least eighteen months"
or
"You will have a much better relationship with your child if you breastfeed."
These are just a very few select examples of things that were said. These are not helpful! I know they were well meant, so I always tried to hold back any retorts, but they were so painful to hear. It is so hard to be learning how to be a new mom anyway, and each of us has to realize that every mom's struggles are different. What is hard for me will probably not be challenging for you, but what you find terribly difficult may be a breeze for me. It just means that not one of us has all the answers and knows all the solutions for
ALL THE THINGS. And, obviously, if someone asks for advice, that is a completely different situation!
I remember looking at Kateri as I finger-fed and later bottle- her, and feeling great heartache as these statements and others repeated themselves over and over in my head. It was heartrending and I cannot explain the discouragement and great feelings of inadequacy these comments brought me.
But, do you know what DID help me?
Many people
were supportive. My mom, especially, was very very much so. She was supportive of whatever happened. She encouraged me to see lactation consultants, even offering to pay for a home visit. At the same time, she also said,
"If you decide pumping is too much, don't worry! There is plenty of great formula available now! It is not a big deal"
Do you know, this one statement helped me more than anything else (other than Our Lord, of course) to get through this whole process?!
My mom went on to actively find multiple other moms who had been unable to breastfeed for multiple reasons. Some had breastfed 5 or 6 children, and then had a child who it was absolutely impossible to breastfeed. Many of them had exceedingly healthy kids, who were actually healthier than many breastfed babies I know. This was what I needed to hear, many of them passed kind words to me through my mom. I cannot say what a difference this made.
And you know why? Because no longer was I a monumental failure. Instead of the "try harder, you're not doing enough" mantra, it was "Don't put so much pressure on yourself! What matters here is that you give this little one love and nutrition, which is thankfully available even if breastfeeding isn't an option."
My mom also told me of St Therese's mother, who was unable to breastfeed her and little Therese had to be sent off to a wet nurse a ways away for (I believe) a year and a half. Can you imagine the heartache
that would be?! I would hazard a guess that many moms back then would have immediately jumped at the chance of feeding their little one formula had it been available!
Thanks to these statements and encouragement, I was able to continue pumping with a conscience much eased. Around when Kateri's six week milestone approached, I realized I was pumping more than twice the amount she was actually eating. I ended up having to throw out bags and bags of frozen milk because of a raging yeast infection. All that time and effort down the drain.
At that point, I realized that pumping was just not maintainable with the schedule I eventually wanted to get back in to (which involved working part time as a nurse). I decided to try one more time and give breastfeeding everything I had. I scheduled a meeting with a lactation consultant, gritted my teeth, and prayed prayed prayed. Many many others were praying for me too, and I appreciate those prayers so much!
One night before the meeting, I was up for hours and hours and hours on end struggling with Kateri and encouraging, fighting, and working to get her interested and her latch correct. I felt like Jacob wrestling with an angel in the Old Testament, only my angel was a screaming wiggling cutie pie. I felt like I was running an ultra-marathon. It was so hard. But eventually, I did get her to nurse a little bit. This was a huge feat. We had had issues I did not address in this blog for times sake, and this small victory was a miracle in my eyes!
The next day was Holy Thursday. My mom kindly drove with me to see the lactation consultant all the way in Ashburn. As I explained what was going on and all we had been up against, the consultant kindly told me that with all the issues we had had, it may still be possible to breastfeed but it may not. She said it would take weeks (at least) with multiple meetings.
And from there, we went on to evaluate how everything was going. We weighed Kateri, then I fed her. In the space of seven minutes, she drank three ounces! That is quite a lot for a six week old, let alone one who had absolutely been unable to breastfeed!
The consultant looked at me with surprise, and said, "We very very rarely, if ever, see this happen with issues like you had. Congratulations! You are successfully breastfeeding and everything looks perfect!"
Miracle of miracles! I could not believe it and could not have been happier! All thanks and glory be to God. Walking out of that clinic, I was on cloud nine. I could not have seen that outcome in my wildest dreams!
It was a great grace, and one for which I have been exceedingly grateful. And part of the graces given to me were
humility, a virtue which I do not have in the least. Before having Kateri, I was sure that I knew oh-so-much about breastfeeding (after all, I had gone to great extents to be as knowledgeable and prepared as possible), and was certain that sheer determination would pay off. I learned that there are some situations where that is simply not the case! All the determination and knowledge and proper technique in the world is not going to do it.
It certainly taught me that all struggles and challenges are
not equal, and to refrain from giving advice at all unless it is actually solicited. It taught me that support really empowers one, especially if that one is an emotionally drained, physically exhausted mama who is working with every ounce of her being to give the best to her little one. But really, we all need that support, kindness, and generosity. It makes a world of difference. Let's make sure we give it to those around us!
